WIP: Feeding Myself
can it really be play tho?
If I were to make a list of things I associate with “nourishment,” eating would be pretty far down on the list. The sun, obviously, is first. My friend teases me about it, compares me to a wife-swap reality show she saw years ago where a New Ager moves in with a rural family and the son says to the camera, Southern drawl distinct, “My new mom eats the sun!” That’s me. I do that.
Also high on the list of nourishing things: long conversations with friends, long conversations with strangers, cups of tea, early morning walks. Food? Not so much. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good meal. It’s not an accident I’ve worked in restaurants my whole life. It’s meant at least a few high-calorie delicious meals each week I don’t have to make. I love going to restaurants, love eating amazing fresh things put together by people who love doing it. The eating it isn’t the problem, it’s the preparing it. A potluck invite in the middle of an afternoon has the power to entirely derail the rest of my day.
I also don’t clock hunger like many people. Maybe it’s my constitution, maybe antidepressants, maybe ADHD, but I generally just forget to eat. Sincerely, there are many things in my mind all the time and food is just not one of them. By the time I think, I think what I’m feeling is hunger, it might be mid-afternoon and I haven’t eaten all day.
Living alone hasn’t helped. When I first moved into my own place in May, I expressly gave myself permission to not cook. Separation is hard and the stress also made me nauseous. But I also wanted to learn to accept that cooking isn’t my thing. My friend who sincerely loves to cook, considers it a calming and creative act (utterly confounding), comes over sometimes and cooks yummy food in my kitchen and promises it’s ok that I don’t help. She’d truly rather do it herself. That’s how I feel about packing, so I’m starting to believe her. We called it Immersion Therapy—it’s ok to not like cooking and let someone who does do it for you.
But it might be time to admit that my quest for self-acceptance, while freeing, has invited some avoidance. I recognize I’m describing disordered eating, insomuch as I don’t have a routine with meals that’s rhythmic or healthy. I live a generally disordered life, because I’m an artist and have ADHD and I’m constantly negotiating and renegotiating edges to motivate/organize myself without losing life force. I need chaos and I need order—that balance is a lifelong quest.
I’m the thinnest I’ve been in my life, since like middle school. When people say, “You look amazing!” I want to scold them because thin bodies do not = healthy bodies and we’ve got to stop glorifying that shit. But the complex truth is I do feel pretty amazing, because I don’t often feel great after eating a meal, have more energy when I eat less.
Suffice to say I’m not motivated to eat and also my health is at risk. So how do I get healthy? Eat food? Sure, ok. Cook? UGH, do I fucking have to??
If only I knew someone who could remind me that play is a thing. . .
Your Optional Assignment is to give me an assignment. Word has it there are more of you out there, people who think of food preparation as a form of play. Assignments are play to me, so I’m crowdsourcing. Teach me your ways. How do I fill my belly and make it fun?
Give me a challenge to feed myself that requires little time, no obscure ingredients or fancy appliances. Ideally it can be summed up in a sentence. Do not send me a fucking recipe. Please. And thank you.
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Totally second the sound suggestion - podcast or music. eating is more fun for me when I feel like what I’m eating is fancy. I’ll go to an independent grocery store (in Portland we have Zupans, but unsure where you are…) and I buy some of the really nice looking prepared stuff.
Or splurge on a really good olive oil and pour some onto a pretty and small plate. Sprinkle some sea salt and italian herbs on top and then use it to dip a fresh bread into.
To make that more of a meal, throw in some dried mangos, various olives, slices of salami (if you eat meat), hummus, pre-cut veggies (carrots, celery, broccolini, sliced tomatoes) a few nuts or seeds, etc. It’s pretty, healthy, and easy!
And! Eat outside. A picnic! Set up an outdoor eating situation with VIBES. You get to incorporate sunshine (fun) with eating (boring).
Make hard boiled eggs and keep them in the fridge. Cheap, easy protein. Then use Amanda’s suggestion and make a mandala of eggs and pickles. :) And whatever else you have that you don’t have to cook!
Have you seen any reels w egg flights?