RIP Trader Johann's Virtuoso Lip Balm
who am I without you?
When Ken told me a few weeks ago that my favorite chapstick had been discontinued, it didn’t fully sink in. I figured I still had plenty of tubes scattered throughout the house that I was shielded. Maybe it was denial, an assumption that a major chain had made a choice in the state of Washington that was maybe different in . . . California? I was in Napa last week, went to Trader Joe’s. Nothing. Today, when I pulled off the caps of two separate tubes to find them scraped bare, I understood. This is really happening.
When I say “my favorite chapstick,” I’m not being glib. I’ve been using Trader Johann’s Virtuoso Lip Balm for upwards of 20 years. When I was a teenager my mom bought a used ‘91 Saab 900s, which would become my car years later after she died. In the center just below the stereo was a small shelf that could accommodate exactly one tin of Altoids and a stick of chapstick. Specifically, Trader Johann’s Virtuoso Lip Balm. It was in that car that I learned my signature one-handed application technique, a quick re-up between shifting gears.
Once in the cheesy early stages of our relationship, Ken and I were idling in bed when I looked at him and said, “The words ‘I love you’ just aren’t cutting it anymore.” Without missing a beat, he said, “I know what you mean,” and jumped up. He returned a minute later with a small cardboard box and ceremoniously emptied the contents all over me in bed. A whole case of Trader Johann’s Virtuoso Lip Balm. 150 tubes. All mine. It was the most romantic act of true acceptance I’d ever known.
Trader Johann’s Virtuoso Lip Balm was a perfect chapstick. It enabled the lips to slide over each other, no whisper of friction, no hint of stickiness. Most competitors are either too thick or too waxy. I abhor dryness, of the skin, of the lips, and it was the ultimate hydration. It was affordable. 50% of the ingredients were organic. It boasted “broad spectrum SPF 15.” It came in a 3-pack. Maybe you can picture a column of those green boxes held up by the metal clips that dangle in front of store shelves, easy to spot from the end of an aisle. Any time I’m in a Trader Joe’s, I stock up. Friends headed to the island will check in, asking if my supply is getting low.
A few months ago I wrote about my relationship to puzzles, mused about whether it could be considered an addiction, about when the love of something is no longer play. The chapstick thing is less confusing. In the course of writing this, I’ve reapplied it at least 12 times. Ken often carries one in his pocket because any time I show up somewhere without a stick, I become sincerely flustered. My lips become taught and dry and I panic a little. I make fun of myself, but it’s totally a mini withdrawal experience. Not everyone loves it. Most past partners were annoyed by my obsession. I have many friends who don’t want me to drink from their water bottles or cocktails, not because of germs, but because I leave a minty flavor on the rim.
I know it took Trader Joe’s a long time to catch on to the fact that branding fried rice “Trader Ming’s” and tortilla chips “Trader Jose’s” was, to say the least, not a good look. Did someone take issue with Johann? Is there a bach story (you’re welcome) I’m missing? Closure often includes answers to our questions, but I’m still left with a gaping WHY?
For those wondering, yes, I have pled my case to Trader Joe’s. I’m not the only one. There’s a subreddit. I know I will be ok. I’ll find a substitute. I’ll learn to love it. But for now, I’m left wondering who I even am without Trader Johann’s Virtuoso Lip Balm. RIP.
Your Optional Assignment:
Pick something you’re so used to having in your life it feels like an extension of you. Something you don’t want to live without. Write it a love letter.
As an orally-fixated-chapstick-addict myself, I honor your loss. And, as I mentioned before, I am curious Who you will be in this next chapter as you release this part of your identity :)
I must have known this day would come and that you would need pacifying. Which is why I have memorialized your chapstick “habit” (nigh addiction) in my latest novel. Srsly. My main character smears chapstick on, one-handed all. the. time. Johann lives on.