It’s officially wood stove season. Solitude v. solidarity is top of mind. Increasing darkness means lots of candles and tea. Atmosphere is everything to me, so last week I moved my desk downstairs to be near the fire. Rearranging furniture is what I do when I feel stuck or stagnant and I needed to mix up the atoms after coming face-to-face with new vulnerabilities and then judging myself harshly and then moving on to judging the judging before surfacing in a sense of gentleness toward the small parts. It’s annoying to have a self-image of being down with uncomfortable things only to find yourself very much not wanting to feel sucky feelings.
Sucky feelings do suck, but not nearly as much as the cruelty we show each other and ourselves as a result of denying those feelings. It’s brutal that polarization and war are basically byproducts of tons of people wading through the same festering swamps of shame and jealousy and guilt, wanting little more than to have someone tell them they matter.
One way I show the people I love that they matter is through preparation. Mostly of the aesthetic & playful varieties. Because atmosphere is everything to me, I love making rooms cozy for others, preparing activities, making up games, wrapping presents, setting the table for a holiday meal. I very much enjoy the process and the end result, the permission to play that’s often implicit, but the thing I love the absolute most is the moment of clarity of deciding to prepare something. That’s when the muses strike. There’s almost no difference between writing a card to a friend for no reason and spending hours setting up a smorgasbord of craft options for my kid. The moment of intent that kicks the whole thing off is pure delight.
My capacity for such intent waxes and wanes. In 2020, when I homeschooled our daughter, I brought intention to most days. Last week, I did the craft smorgasbord thing and it felt like an absolute revelation. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d thought ahead for parent/child time. Walking into a mindfully prepared room, I felt mothered.
The newest idea for doing life is this: what if I try applying this kind of intention to the whole thing? ADHD and the struggle to manage myself is still top of list when it comes to challenges. But I love hosting, love welcoming others. Without others around, I’ll inevitably fall into some version of deep self-criticism if I forget what I’m doing, can’t find the edges, don’t have a sense of what mode I’m in. Not inspired nor playful.
So what if I treat all my modes/selves as worthy and valued members of a team. What if I identify even more edges (always more edges) between the different parts of me that make up my daily life. If I bring host energy to them. Set the stage ahead of time for The Secretary (thank you for handling all the pragmatic stuff that’s so hard for us, you matter), Money Bitch (thanks for handling income and ambition and capitalism generally so we don’t have to, you matter), Mother (thank you for acknowledging the needs of your child, you matter) The Creative One (thank you for the endless ideas, for continually thinking outside the box, you matter) and so on.
Is the key to becoming who I’m capable of becoming to just be nice to every part, treat them all as welcome visitors I’ve been expecting? I mean, yes probably.
Optional Assignment: Identify just one part of yourself you tend to be mean to. Whose behavior is annoying or embarrassing or counterproductive. Schedule an hour in your calendar this week for them. Invite them over, have something waiting you know they love. You could even write a little script of nice words you want to say to them about how much they matter.
If all this sounds a lot like therapy that’s because everything has to be.
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ICYMI:
For nonfiction works of up to 6,000 words. I use a project-based approach to ensure I stay engaged with your writing and you don’t feel obligated to a longer relationship.
Choose from in-document feedback or a Zoom conversation. I’m a good fit if you have some writing experience and an established voice but need outside eyes and ideas. I will give clear written feedback and/or ask questions that get to the heart of your work. Learn more, book a call, tell your friends!
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Friday, October 25th from 6pm – 8pm @ Orcas Center Main Stage
Lastly, tonight I’ll be participating in the Adult Spelling Bee hosted by The Orcas Island Library. I don’t identify as an excellent speller, but I jumped in last minute last year and had fun and did alright, so I’m doing it again. If you’re on the island, come support nerds doing nerdy stuff.
dearest Control part, what would you like to control today? let's make it happen and have fun with it
Happy to read💚
Love this so much: “It’s brutal that polarization and war are basically byproducts of tons of people wading through the same festering swamps of shame and jealousy and guilt, wanting little more than to have someone tell them they matter.”